Language to De-escalate Aggression

When attempting to de-escalate aggression or diffuse an argument, the goal is to stay calm, use non-confrontational language, and show empathy. Here are some words, phrases, and techniques you can use:

1. Validating Statements

“I hear what you’re saying.”

“It sounds like this is really important to you.”

“I can see why you’d feel that way.”

“I understand why this might be frustrating for you.”

2. Clarifying and Seeking Understanding

“Help me understand what’s going on.”

“Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?”

“What I’m hearing is… Is that correct?”

“Let’s take a step back. What’s really bothering you?”

3. Using Neutral Language

“Let’s talk through this calmly.”

“I’d like to find a way where we both feel heard.”

“I’m not trying to argue; I want to resolve this.”

“What would you like to see happen next?”

4. Empathy and Perspective

“I get that this feels overwhelming right now.”

“If I were in your shoes, I might feel similarly.”

“I can tell this means a lot to you.”

5. Offering Choices and Shared Solutions

“What do you think is a fair way to move forward?”

“How can we address this so we’re both okay with it?”

“Let’s focus on what we can control.”

6. De-Escalating Tone and Body Language

Speak in a calm, slow voice.

Maintain neutral or open body language (avoid crossing arms or clenching fists).

Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements (e.g., “I feel concerned when…” vs.“You never listen!”).

7. Expressing Willingness to Cooperate

“I want to work with you on this.”

“Let’s see how we can fix this together.”

“I want to make sure we both feel good about this.”

8. Acknowledging Emotions without Agreeing or Disagreeing

“It seems like this is really upsetting for you.”

“I can see this is making you angry.”

“It’s okay to feel that way.”

9. Offering a Pause if Needed

“Would you like to take a short break and come back to this?”

“Let’s pause for a moment and breathe.”

10. Apologising if Appropriate

“I’m sorry if I’ve contributed to how you’re feeling.”

“I didn’t mean to upset you, and I want to make it right.”

These techniques help convey respect, reduce tension, and keep the conversation focused on finding a solution rather than escalating conflict. Adjust according to the context and the person’s state to ensure you’re genuinely connecting.

Coach

Vincent Busuttil